No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service

The fourteenth episode of the second season, and one of my favorites. Enjoy!

Script[]

(Rack is ironing his clothes.)
(The phone rings, and Rack answers it.)
Rack: Hello?
US: Hey Raclk. Hm, I am in the mood for fancy food. Book a reservation for that fancy place with gold silverware.
Rack: We were banned, remember?
US: When?!
Rack: Well......
(Flashback to Rack and US at a fancy restaurant.)
US: This is a nice place.
Rack: Why did you bring me here again?
US: Because I need protection from the pigeons.
Rack: What pigeons? Never mind. Too bad NH couldn't come in with us.
(Cut to NH outside in the dark with a leash tied to a pole and a "No dogs allowed" sign.)
NH: This sucks!
(Cut back to Rack and US.)
Waiter: Your food is ready.
US: Hey, there's no bacon.
Waiter: You ordered chicken.
US: But whenever I ask for chicken at my office it comes with bacon on it!
Waiter: This is not your office.
US: Give me bacon or kick me out.
(Flashback ends.)
US: Oh yeah. Hm........ what about that place with silver silverware?
Rack: Oh, the "The Second Best Fancy Restaurant in Town" restaurant?
US: Yeah. I think that'd be a great place to hang with you, NY and Riiiiiiig. What do you think?
Rack: Hm........ why not? I'll book it right now after I'm done ironing!
US: Ew, ironing? People still do that? Oh, and, if I have to wear pants, so does NY!
Rack: Um, okay.
(Rack hangs up.)
(Later. Rack booked the reservation and is now wearing a purple suit.)
Rack: Ah, perfect.
NH: And to think I thought you didn't like purple.
Rack: Oh, NH, good, we're going to a fancy restaurant once US comes.
NH: Blegh, a place filled with human germs?
Rack: Sorry boy, it's already decided.
NH: Of course. And I assume I need to wear a suit too?
Rack: Yes, actually. Here it is.
(Rack holds up a gray suit.)
NH: (reading script, unenthusiastically): Oh no. The horror. Darn you, human.
Rack: You're not even trying anymore, are you?
NH: When did I?
Rack: Just put on the suit.
NH: Yeah, yeah. Good thing for the reset button. (puts it on, unenthusiastically): Oh no. The pain. No more breeze. Ah. I need Rig. Rig!
(Camera pans up, showing Rig perched on NH's head like a bird.)
NH: What the?!
(NH tries to get Rig off his head.)
Rig: Aw, I almost passed that.
NH: What?!
Rig: Me and the squirrels just started bird classes! I learned how to flap my wing! *flaps wing*
NH: What? Never mind. Anyway, apparently, the humans want us to go with them to some fancy restaurant.
Rig: Yay! Wait, I should wear a suit!
Rack: I didn't forget about you, Rig! Here's your suit!
(Rack holds up a teal suit.)
Rig: Thankies, Rackles! *huggles Rack*
(Rig puts on her suit.)
Rig: Yay, I'm a big girl now!
(NH facepalms.)
Rack: US should be here......... now!
(US barges in; she's wearing a purple dress.)
US: Yo yo yo.
Rig: Wow, USles, you look pretty!
US: Aw, thanks, Riiiiiiig.
Rack: Nice dress!
US: Thanks, Raclk.
(A window releases a breeze in the house.)
US: That breeze feels great!
Rack: On your knees?
US: Nope, not on my knees.
(Rack stares wide-eyed.)
NH: Is she wearing anything undern-.
Rack: Let's go! You ready, US?
US: I've been ready, bro. Let's do this.
NH: End of my life here we come.
Rig: Yay, Imma be fancy wancy!
(The four get into Rack's car and Rack starts driving.)
US: Ew, Raclk, why do you have such a lame car?
Rack: What's wrong with it?
US: It's just so......... bland.
Rack: Well I think it's fine.
US: Alright bro, but I warned you.
NH: Wonderful, the suit's already sticking to my fur.
Rig: (jumping up and down): I can't wait to be fancy! I've always wanted to try fancy manure!
(The four make it into the restaurant; they get into a very long line.)
US: And I thought the DMV was bad........
NH: Lovely, even better.
Rack: I am sure the chef is doing his best.
(Cut to the Chef still cooking the first meal of the night.)
Waiter: Sir, do you plan on finishing soon?
Chef: Give me another second! I just need to add the egg on it!
(The chef throws the yolk in the garbage and puts the egg shells on it.)
Chef: Ah, done.
Waiter: But that's not how-. Never mind.
(The waiter walks out of the kitchen.)
(Cut back to Rack, NH, US and Rig.)
NH: I bet.
(2 hours later screen appears; The four are finally in front of the line.)
NH: Finally.
Guest Lister: Sir, you do know that dogs aren't allowed?
NH: But I am not a dog, I am a wolf! Ugh, hold on.
(NH goes near a tree, takes off his pants, and urinates with urinating sounds offscreen.)
NH: (putting pants back on): Yeah, as I was saying.......
Guest Lister: Even if so, you're not wearing shoes. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
NH: But it doesn't say we need pants. Besides, it's entirely the person's decision to look down there.
Rig: Look where?
Guest Lister: But it is distracting! Yuck!
NH: Conservative. And why do we need shoes? We're wearing shirts, is that not enough?
Person: Can you guys wrap this up?! It's bad enough the service here is horrible!
Rack: Yeah, let's get inside.
(The four are now inside the restaurant; NH and Rig are now wearing bowling shoes.)
NH: Why are we wearing bowling shoes?
Shoe Handler: We ran out of good ones. You'd be surprised how many people come in barefoot.
(Cut to half of the restaurant (minus Rack and US) wearing bowling shoes and normal shoes.)
(Rack, NH, US and Rig head to their table.)
Rack: I bet this place has great service!
(Everyone besides the gang are clearly not pleased by the appalling work by the chef and the waiter.)
Customer: Where is my steak tartare?! I've been waiting for hours!
Chef: Here it is, sir!
(The customer's meal clearly has bugs on it; the chef flicks them off.)
Customer: I waited ten hours for this?! Hmph!
(The Customer leaves.)
Chef: Hey, it was already unhealthy! It's raw!
NH: Yes, because that customer sure was satisfied. Ugh, I'm getting a rash already. Hm....... a-ha! If I use the fork to make a whole, I can be happy and still wear the clothes! Why did I say that out loud?!
(NH grabs a fork and tries to make a hole.)
Rack: Nuh uh uh, I learned from last time, doggie. Buy you pointy proof suits from now on.
(NH's fork is stuck on the suit.)
Rig: Uh, NH, are you okay?
NH: I am in searing pain right now, so no. Please remove it. But slowly.
Rig: Okie dokie!
(Rig quickly takes it out.)
NH: (on the ground, in pain): I said slowly!
Rig: Oops, that ear must be filled with earwax! *Rig picks a large amount of earwax out of her ear* That's better.
NH: Great........
US: Come on, I want my chicken with bacon!
Rack: Guys, guys! Calm down! We don't want to make a scene!
(NH and Rig get back in their seats and US sits down; the majority of the people leave due to the appalling quality of the food but also to what has just happened.)
NH: Ugh, my suit's getting tight.
(Rig is eating her chair.)
US: Ugh, me and my butt are bored.
Rack: Come on guys, I'm sure the waiter'll come any minute now.
Waiter: Well I see I better hurry. So, what would you all like tonight?
Rack: I'll have caramelized pears.
Waiter: Ah, unusual suggestion. You must have good taste.
NH: I'll have............... hm....... soup!
Waiter: Okay.
US: Bring me my chicken!
Waiter: Alright. How about you, young lady?
Rig: Where are the pizza and piggies?! It ain't a party without that!
Waiter: Oh, you must eat that neanderthal food.
Rig: A neander-wh-what-now?
Waiter: Never mind. What would you like?
Rig: Food!
Waiter: Well, please be more specific.
Rig: Well, what's the most popular on that book thing?
Waiter: Caviar. Would you like that?
Rig: I dunno what that is, but yes!
Waiter: Okay.
(The waiter heads into the kitchen.)
Waiter: Here's your latest order.
Chef: Good, I'll finish it in about an hour probably.
(The waiter has an unamused face.)
(Later.)
Waiter: Hello, just checking........
(The Waiter realizes no other customers besides the gang are left.)
Waiter: (thinking): We're gonna be out of business if the chef keeps doing this. (talking): Well, how are you all? Sorry for the delay, the chef is having difficulty right now.
(The chef is taking a nap with the food still cooking.)
Rack: I am just great. And that is fine, we're all not perfect.
(NH is wiggling nervously.)
Waiter: Sir, is your dog alright?
NH: Oh, I'm just great, dandy, super, spectacular, excellent, perfect! Even though I'm wiggling, which is not a good thing and I miss Mother Nature's sweet breath on my gobblers, I'm still peachy keen, just fine, right as rain!
Waiter: ........Alright then........ How about you, miss?
US: Bring me my chicken, now!
Waiter: It's coming......
US: That's not good enough! I need it now!
(Rig finishes eating her chair.)
Rig: Aw.
(Rig eats her part of the table.)
Waiter: I'll check back later.......
(Later. The Waiter is watching the gang with the chef's room's door window.)
(NH is gnawing on his suit, Rig is eating her part of the table, US is banging her fists on her side of the table and Rack tries to keep everything under control.)
(The Waiter stops watching, with an unamused face.)
(A montage begins to play of NH trying to take off his suit, US wanting her chicken, Rig eating her side of the table and Rack trying to keep them being fancy.)
(The chef and waiter finally bring out the food.)
(Rack comes back from the bathroom.)
Rack: Back from the bathroom.
US: I hope you used soap.
Chef: What's this "soap" you speak of?
Waiter: Anyway, here are your orders.
(The Waiter gives everyone their orders.)
Rack: Um, not to be mean or anything, but my pears look a little over-caramelized.
(Shows the entire plate has caramel on it.)
NH: (purposely spills soup on his crotch; under breath): Well, there goes me being a dad. Wait, I hate kids. (talking): What a mess and a shame! Looks like I have to take these pants off now!
Rack: Oh, clumsy doggie! Your suit is spill proof, meaning your suit's safe!
NH: (holding crotch): Great.....
US: Where is my bacon?!
Rack: Here we go again........
Waiter: Ma'am, you did not order bacon with chicken.
US: Lies! Bring me my bacon or I'm shuttin' y'all down! I'm the mayor, you know!
Waiter: Don't worry, we'll get you it shortly!
(The Waiter and Chef get her raw bacon.)
US: But it's not cooked!
Waiter: Oh, we'll cook i-.
US: You didn't let me finish. This is even better!
(US eats it.)
(Rig eats her meal quickly, by using her face.)
NH: Rig! Stop eating like that!
Rig: But it's fun! *she continues eating with her face* Mm, that was yummy! What's it made out of?
Chef: Uh......
(The Waiter whispers in his ear.)
Chef: Fish eggs?
Rig: I-I-I ate an animal?! No, I'm a cannibal or whatever they're called!
(Rig barfs.)
Waiter: Sigh.......
(Later. The gang are talking while eating their meals.)
Rig: So, I want to be a mommy, but Tire says we can't have kids because he's old fashioned! (childishly pouts): I wanted to give birth through my ears, but oh well.
US: Oh, so that's where you give birth?
NH: Ugh, I wish clothes didn't exist.
US: Hallelujah!
Rig: I dunno, these pants feel nice and warm!
Rack: But clothes provide protection and comfort.
NH: Not for me.
(Later. The Waiter is back out.)
US: Hey, where's my bacon? You can't have a fancy meal without it.
Rig: She's right, you know.
Waiter: You already had bacon.
US: Then give to me again, peasant!
Waiter: (to himself): Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
US: Oh yeah, idiot?
Waiter: I'll be back later..........
(The waiter heads into the chef's kitchen.)
Rack: Come on guys, let's keep our cool.
(NH, US and Rig have a food fight.)
Rack: Guys, don't make a scene!
US: That's the thing, Raclk. Nobody's here to see it.
Rack: Sigh......
(Later. Everyone's finished with their meals.)
Waiter: Ah, I hope you enjoyed your meals.
Rack: I did, kinda.
NH: I didn't, didn't try it.
US: Meh.
Rig: Mine almost made me pootie!
Waiter: Well, here's the bill.
(Rack sees the bill, and it's 500,000 dollars.)
Rack: Don't you think that's a little high?
Waiter: Well if your friends didn't have that little food fight, it would only be 100,000. Now, give us the money.
Rack: Hm....... US, do you have enough?
US: Let me look in my purple purse. Whoops, looks like I forgot to put my purple money in it.
NH: I'd pay the bill if I could reach my fur pocket and have this stupid suit off!
Rig: I have acorns!
(Rack tries to find enough money in his pocket, but can't find the right amount.)
Rack: Uh, well........
Waiter: Oh, I see. Freeloaders. Chef, call the police!
Chef: What's the number again?
Waiter: (facepalms): 911.
Chef: Oh, right!
Rig: Ugh......... my stomachs don't feel so good.... that caveywavey must've upset my stomachs........... uh oh...... I think I'm gonna....... I think I'm gonna........
Waiter: What, what is she doing?
NH: In the name of all that is good, don't do it Rig!
US: Uh oh! *US goes behind a table*
Rack: Oh no! Everyone for themselves! *Rack covers his head*
Waiter: What are they talking about?
Rig: Here it comes..........
(Rig "pooties", and appears as an explosion and destroys the restaurant and presumably killing the waiter and chef; NH and Rig's suits are now off and everyone's hair is messy.)
US: That. Was. Itter.
NH: Rig, for once, you did something useful. Whoo! I'm free now! *runs around like crazy* I'm free!!!! Girls, you can breathe now! Breathe!
(Rack, US and Rig stare.)
NH: Ah, I'm so glad the you know what jokes will stop now.
Rack: (whispering to US): Are you gonna tell him we're still gonna do pants jokes though?
US: (whispering back): Nah, let's let him find out on his own.
Rig: Now I know why my tummies ached!
Rack: Well at least you got it out of your system. Now let's go home, if we can see through all of this.......
NH: Wait, let me lead the way! *running on all fours* I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rig: Wow, I've never seen him so happy before! Maybe I should pootie more often!
(Rack, US and Rig follow.)
THE END.

Credits[]

Starring[]

Rackliffelikespurple as Rack
New Heathera as NH
Utter solitude as US
Rigbybestie1510 as Rig
Waiter at second restaurant as Waiter at second restaurant
Chef as Chef
Guest Lister as Guest Lister
Waiter at first restaurant as Waiter at first restaurant
Customers as Customers

Writing[]

Written by: Rackliffelikespurple, New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510

Thanks[]

To New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510 for being the inspirations to the corresponding characters.

Other[]

I think this one is one of my favorites. Everyone added their own two cents in this one, I love it when that happens. :D

Thanks for reading! :D