The eighth episode of the series. Enjoy!


Normal text = The character is speaking normally. Italic text = The character is singing.

  • (Rack is watching the news.)
  • Reporter: ....And that's how the little mutant pig boy got out of the well. In other news, Mayor US read to kids at a local school.
  • (Cuts to US reading a children's book in a classroom.)
  • US: (reading):.....And........... and then............ little............ Jimmy........ went to............. the........... li-........... librar-........ librarie. (not reading): Whoa, this library thing got popular fast!
  • Dep Mayor: Are you having trouble, Miss US?
  • US: Shhhhhh! I'm reading!
  • Rack: US is a great reader.
  • NH: Ha, you must be kidding. Rig is a better reader than that imbecile. Rig, read.
  • Rig: Math gives me gas.
  • Rack: Huh? Oh, yeah, nice.
  • NH: Are you ignoring me?!
  • Rack: Okay.
  • NH: I will not be ignored!
  • Rack: Okay, have fun at the dance.
  • NH: Let's go, Rig. We must rule the town.
  • Rig: Math gives me the pooties, pooties, pooties, pooties pooties, pooties, pootie-
  • NH: Stop. Singing.
  • Rig: Aw, okay. I'LL JUST YELL THEN!
  • NH: Rig, stop wasting time!
  • (Later......)
  • NH: Hm, we need to figure out a way to rule the town.
  • (Rig is chewing the foam of a coach.)
  • Rig: I got rabies!
  • NH: ............Perhaps I need more help.
  • (NH and Rig are walking in the streets.)
  • Rig: Are we gettin' fast food? Are we gettin' fast food? Are we gettin' fast food? Are we-.
  • NH: No Rig. We're getting help to rule the town.
  • Rig: Aw, but I want some food.
  • NH: Look in the garbage then.
  • Rig: Okay!
  • (Rig eats food in the garbage.)
  • NH: That'll keep her busy for 5......
  • (Rig shows up.)
  • NH: .......Seconds. Oh well. Do you have any ideas how to lure our help?
  • Rig: Steak! It has chicken and chocolate in it!
  • NH: Rig.......... we're not doing that.
  • Rig: I'm telling ya........ it'll work!
  • NH: I'd rather civilly ask them to.
  • Rig: I dunno what that means.
  • NH: Okay, you stay here, and I'll convince them and come back.
  • Rig: Okie dokie.
  • (NH leaves.)
  • Rig: (Notices candy wrapper; the candy wrapper goes away with the wind): No, comes back! I need to know more about you!
  • (Rig runs away, following the wrapper.)
  • (Cut to NH.)
  • NH: (notices building): Hm, what's this? (looks at the window; notices wolves from inside the building): Yes, my own kind! Finally someone I can relate to!
  • (Cut to the wolves inside the building.)
  • Wolf: Oh my, why is that wolf outside talking to himself?
  • Wolf #2: I have no idea. Perhaps we should let him inside?
  • Wolf: Why not? Perhaps he could be just like us.
  • (One of the wolves opens the door.)
  • NH: And then I'll finally-. Oh hello.
  • Wolf: Would you like to come in?
  • NH: Why of course.
  • (NH goes inside.)
  • Wolf: Now, may I ask, why were you outside all alone talking to yourself?
  • NH: Oh, I do that a lot. That's just who I am.
  • Wolf: I see.
  • NH: But I did however come by to ask you all something.
  • Wolf: Go ahead, and, as they say, "shoot".
  • NH: I wanted to civilly ask you all to be in my army and rule the town. What do you say?
  • Wolf: I must apologize but we do not want to be in any army. Thank you for the offer though.
  • NH: You will join my army if it is the last thing I do! (Slams door hard)
  • Wolf: I must say he seems dedicated to join his army.
  • (NH is walking back to where Rig was.)
  • NH: Rig? Rig? Where are you?
  • (Notices a note on the ground.)
  • (The note says in horrible spelling and NH reads: "II haad tooo findd aa kandy rapper. C yaa l8ter.")
  • NH: Idiot. (sniffs) Ew, what's that smell? Oh, it's Rig's "steak". Hm......
  • (NH goes back to the place with the wolves.)
  • (NH knocks at the door.)
  • Wolf: Oh my, it is that wolf fellow again. Perhaps he is here for the same reason as before. I will open it anyway.
  • (Opens door.)
  • NH: Look what I have brought: steak!
  • Wolf: Steak? DID HE JUST SAY STEAK?!
  • (All of the wolves quickly jump on NH and attempt to eat the steak.)
  • NH: Now will you be in my army?
  • Wolves: Indubitably.
  • NH: Excellent.
  • (Later. The wolves are discussing what their name should be.)
  • NH: Brethren, welcome to The Army of New Heathera.
  • Wolf: Why not Army of the Wolves?
  • NH: New Heathera sounds better.
  • Wolf #2: I don't know, maybe The Army of William Chester III?
  • (A cricket is heard chirping.)
  • Wolf #2: Hmph.
  • NH: So it's settled.
  • Wolf: Hahahahahhahahah!
  • NH: What's so funny?
  • Wolf:You did it again! Oh, how you amuse me so.
  • NH: Did what?
  • Wolf: You spoke in contractions. How informal. Hahahahahha!
  • NH: Anyway...... let's go to town hall!
  • (Cut to Rack in his house.)
  • Rack: Huh, NH has been gone for an awfully long time. I should check up on him.
  • (Rack looks all over the house and doesn't find him.)
  • Rack: Where could he be?
  • Reporter:(Voice only): Breaking news! A pack of wolves are going to city hall and-.
  • (The wolves attack the reporter.)
  • NH: You didn't see anything!
  • (TV goes to static.)
  • Rack: That sounded a lot like NH. No, it can't be, he would never. But what if.......... oh no, my NH! Don't do it! (Runs out of the house and to US's office.)
  • Rack: US, US, US!
  • US: Raclk, Raclk, Raclk! What's up?
  • Rack: NH made a army with other wolves and he's coming here to kill you and take over the town!
  • US: I'm sorry, what? I was cleaning my ear.
  • Rack: US, this is serious! If we don't do anything, NH and his army will take over the town and kill you! You need to do something!
  • US: I don't wanna. I just wanna sit on my butt now.
  • Rack: Oh........ well I guess you don't want my lamp then........
  • Rack: Yep. Would've looked nice in your office too, but oh well......
  • Rack: Only if you help me stop them.
  • US: Fine. It better be a purple lamp.
  • Rack: Oh it is.
  • US: Then why are we flapping our gums!? Let's go!
  • (The two leave.)
  • (Cut to NH and his army.)
  • Wolf #3: Are we there yet?
  • NH: If you ask that one more time, I will kick you out of the army.
  • Wolf: (mumbling): Not very leader like.
  • NH: What was that?!
  • Wolf: Oh nothing. You are just imagining things.
  • NH: Mm.
  • (Rack and US bump into them.)
  • Rack: NH! How could you?!
  • Wolf: Our leader is friends with a human?!
  • (All the wolves laugh.)
  • NH: I am not friends with that HUMAN! He owns me!
  • Wolf: You are actually OWNED?!
  • (The wolves laugh even more.)
  • NH: Stop laughing at me!
  • Wolf: You are obviously unfit to be a leader. We are kicking you out of the club. Goodbye, and good day.
  • (They literally kick him out.)
  • Wolf: I will assume leadership duties. We are now: The Army of the Wolves. Now, let us continue where we left off.
  • (The wolves head to town hall.)
  • US: Hey, hey, hey! You're not going anywhere with me around!
  • Wolf: Hahahahahha! You are just one person!
  • US: Yep, but this one person is a black belt in karate!
  • (US uses her karate moves and attacks all the wolves. She then kicks them away.)
  • US: Piece of cake. Now, to my office! (Walks on her hands to her office)
  • NH: What just happened?
  • Rack: I don't know, but I'm glad to see you! (Hugs NH)
  • NH: Let go of me HUMAN!
  • Rack: Sorry. Wanna go play with the squirrels?
  • NH: YES. I haven't had one in ages!
  • (The two leave.)
  • (Rig pops up out of nowhere.)
  • Rig: Come on, candy wrapper, talk to me!
  • THE END.





To New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510 for being the inspirations to the corresponding characters.

Math Gives Me the PootiesEdit


Rig: Math gives me the pooties, pooties, pooties, pooties pooties, pooties, pootie- (interrupted)


Click here for the remix.


This was a little tricky to do, but I like the end result. I'm REALLY looking forward to next week's ep though!

Thanks for reading! :)